She Figured It Out
by KBJones
Summary: What if Roxanne figured out Bernard was Megamind on her own before the restaurant scene?  Would different circumstances cause a different reaction?  Mild swearing.
1. Picnic on a Blanket

**Okay, so here's a What If. What if Roxanne had discovered that Megamind was Bernard a little differently? Would circumstances have changed the way she reacted to the news? **

Roxanne lies on a picnic blanket under a tree in a secluded section of the park with her boyfriend Bernard. He is an intelligent, funny, eccentric man that she is pretty sure she is falling head over heels for. She'd only been seeing him for a couple of weeks now, but she is wondering already if he might turn out to be a keeper. She hasn't enjoyed herself this much with a man for years.

She laughs, "Okay, okay, Metro Man and I were never a couple," she tells him in response to his question about dating a superhero.

Bernard sits up suddenly to look at her in surprise. "But I thought you two were…"

"I know!" she exclaims, "Everyone did. But he was never really my type."

"Really?" Bernard lays back down on the blanket, gazing up into the tree as he considers this new bit of information.

Now Roxanne sits up and says, "Okay, now you tell me something. Something you've never. Told. Anyone."

He considers the question for a moment, "Well, in sh-school," she lays back down to listen, "none of the other kids really liked me. I was always the last one picked for everything." He looks sad. Funny how those long-ago traumas of childhood can still affect people years later as adults.

"Hmmm…" She can imagine him as the awkward child on the side of the playground that the other kids wouldn't play with. It makes her wish she could have been his friend back then. She smiles at him and takes his hand, "Well it's too bad we didn't go to the same school."

They lay in companionable silence, watching the leaves move in the wind. After awhile she looks over at him and realizes he's fallen asleep. She smiles, thinking he looks cute this way. Peaceful and happy.

She shifts over towards him and lays her head on his chest, thinking perhaps she'll doze off too. It feels nice to cuddle up to him. She listens to the sound of his steady breathing and the beat of his heart.

Thu-thu-thump. Thu-thu-thump.

_Wait. That's not right,_ she thinks, puzzled. She listens again to be sure.

Thu-thu-thump. Thu-thu-thump.

She raises her head from her chest and looks at him suspiciously. _What the hell?_ she thinks,_You're not human!_ Her thoughts race, trying to make sense of this. She considers what she knows about Bernard, all the charming idiosyncrasies. The way he was curiously naïve about everyday things, mispronounced words, but was still utterly brilliant in other ways. And those eyes. Those brilliant green eyes. Megamind! How could she be so stupid? It was obvious! Bernard is Megamind. It explained everything! But how?

She leans towards him again, examining her 'boyfriend' closer. She begins to doubt herself. He looks completely human. But she can't have imagined that heartbeat. _Wait_, she cautions herself, _Try to think like Megamind. If he were going to disguise himself as a human, how would he do it? _

She remembers the fake wall at his lair. _A hologram. Or, something like it._ _But where are the controls?_ She ran her eyes down his body, looking for some sort of device that could project a hologram. She hopes she won't have to search his pockets. How would she explain that if he woke up? Her eyes land on his watch. It is a little clunkier than an ordinary watch but it looks pretty normal. Except…Lightning bolt watch hands? _Oh, that can't be a coincidence_, she thinks. And what do those three extra dials show? She considers experimenting with the buttons, but is cautious about fiddling with Megamind's equipment when she doesn't know how it works. Just her luck if she got electrocuted or called in some brainbots or something.

Something simpler, then. She unbuckles the strap and removes it from his wrist. Nothing happens. She feels silly. How's she going to explain it when Bernard wakes up to find her fiddling with his watch? Just as she decides she'll have to slip it back on, his body flashes and she's staring at the familiar blue villain, decked out in all his normal leather and spikes. _Gotcha! s_he thinks triumphantly.

He even has his de-gun. She grins evilly as she carefully removes it from its holster. She wonders what to do next as she watches him sleep. It's strange to see his face relaxed like that. Like a normal person. She guesses that even alien supervillains must need to rest. Speaking of which, he looks tired. There are dark circles under his eyes. She doubts that the stresses of Evil Overlordship are causing him to lose sleep. She takes this as further proof that he's up to something big. Something causing him to push himself and go without sleep to finish. But what? And why deceive her? Why get her to fall for Bernard?

_Bernard_, she thinks, tears prickling behind her eyelids, _Bernard doesn't exist. Damn him! Was he just playing with me this whole time? Why would he do that? What did he possibly hope to gain? _

Well, she'll certainly find out. She looks down at the de-gun in her hand. She makes sure it is set to dehydrate and teaches herself how to dehydrate the picnic basket. Then she settles down to wait until he wakes up.


	2. Rudely Awakened

She sits watching the blue alien sleep. His eyes move under his lids and he whispers, "Roxanne." His mouth turns into a smile and he sighs.

_He's dreaming about me?_ She thinks, _That's it! He's slept long enough._

She kicks his legs, "Megamind! Wake up!"

"Argh! What? Huh?" Blearily, he sits up and looks around himself, panic dawning as he sees her sitting on the edge of the blanket looking furious and aiming his own gun at him. He looks down at his hands to confirm what he already knew. He has lost his disguise.

"Looking for this?" she asks, dangling his watch from her left hand before dropping it next to her on the blanket.

He holds his hands in front of him, palms outwards, "Now, calm down. I- I can explain everything."

"Oh, I'm sure you can," she answers, "And if you can't, I'll just dehydrate you and drop you off at the prison."

His eyes dart nervously about, then he clears his throat and squares his shoulders, attempting to regain his normal villainous composure, "Are you sure you know how to work that, Miss Ritchi?" he asks, "There's a hidden safety switch on it. It's useless if you don't know the trick."

She smirks at him and throws a blue cube into his lap. "I'm a fast learner."

"Uh," he swallows, "I can see that. How did you catch me?"

She sneers at him, "I laid my head down on your chest to _cuddle_," she says the word as if it's something disgusting, "and I heard your heartbeat. It wasn't hard to figure out after that. Same voice. Same eyes. I should have figured it out earlier. God, you must have been laughing at me. Stupid Roxanne can't even tell that the man she's falling for is a supervillain." She sobs, blinking back tears. Her hand on the de-gun shakes. She shifts her grip to hold it steady in both hands, hoping he'll give her an excuse to fire.

"You were falling for me?" he asks, astonished.

"I was falling for _Bernard!_" she corrects him, "But he doesn't even exist! Damn you, Megamind!" She refuses to cry outright. Not in front of him. "Why would you do that to me? Toying with my feeling? I know you like to mess with people, but this? Why are you so _evil_?"

"I wasn't trying to hurt you." She glares at him in disbelief. "Honestly, I wasn't!" he insists. He takes a deep breath, and then tries to explain, "At first I just wanted to keep you from figuring out my plan. But then I found that I liked being with you…" He looks down at his hands, which he is nervously wringing in his lap, "You treated me like a regular person, Roxanne. Like you enjoyed my company." He rubs his hands over his face and up over the top of his huge skull. "I knew it couldn't last, but I didn't want to give you up," he says quietly. He looks up at her with large eyes, full of as much sincerity as he can muster. "I love you Roxanne. You're why I cleaned up the trash and returned what I stole. I wanted to make you happy." He watches her, waiting for her response and bracing himself mentally for the rejection that's sure to come. He'd given it his best shot, but he knows he was doomed from the start. The bad guy doesn't get the girl. At least he'd had her for a little while, even if it was all built on a lie. His perfect memory will be good for something, at least. He'll remember every laugh, every time she touched him. He wishes he'd had a chance to kiss her, though. Just once.

That isn't what she wants to hear. She wants to hear that it was some evil plot. That he is a heartless blue monster who enjoyed playing with her feelings. Something she can hate him for. She wants to hate him. She doesn't want to hear that he has feelings of his own. That the alien, in some ways, is as human as she is. That he can love. So, she changes the subject. She is determined to find answers, after all. That's what she's been after ever since she snuck into his lair. She has him here, at her mercy. She will get her answers. "Why did you kill Metro Man?" she asks him.

He shakes his head helplessly, "I didn't mean to. Well, I did. But it shouldn't have worked. I mean…copper? How could copper be his weakness? It doesn't make any sense! If I'd known that, I never would have bothered with the satellite death ray. Do you have any idea how much that cost? How many financial schemes I had to set up to pay for it? If I'd known, I would have just trapped him in a giant copper ball. Then, when I got tired of being Overlord, someone (probably you) could have broke into my lair and helped him escape. Then the game would be on again! But he had to go and die, and now I'm stuck having to actually run Metrocity! Do I look like a politician to you? I should be making giant robots of mass destruction, not worrying about trash collection!" As he finishes his rant, Roxanne finds herself laughing at the absurdity of it all.

"All these years trying to become Evil Overlord, and you don't want the job?" she asks, incredulous.

"Of course not! It's the chase that matters, not the prize. The people of this city are sheep. They're too stupid and frightened of me to even _think_ of standing up for their selves. Where's the challenge in that? I certainly don't get any pleasure from _yet another _human running in terror from my devilishly handsome face."

"You seemed to enjoy it during your victory celebration."

"Okay. Maybe I did," he admits with a fond smile, "At first. But it didn't last," his expression is serious again, "I was just left feeling mal-on-kolly."

"Mal-on-kolly?" she asks. She's used to his mispronunciations, but that one baffles her. Is it even a word?

"Unhappy," he clarifies.

"So, what's your plan?" she asks.

"Oh, you'll like it, I think. It's my most brilliant plan yet," he brags. She rolls her eyes. "I'm going to make things go back the way they were. As much as I can, anyway."

"What, did you figure out the reset button?" she asks, remembering what he'd said in the elevator at the museum.

"No, I told you," he shakes his head in disgust, "The science is impossible. Paradoxes and parallel universes. The calculations are tricky even for me and the power needs to make the jump through both space and time exceeds what I have access to by an order of magnitude. And then there's no guarantee that I'd successfully prevent the critical event. I might cause something even worse to occur," he takes a deep breath and looks at her, "No reset buttons."

She sometimes forgets that he's not just a villain, but truly is a super genius as well. Not that it makes his evil schemes any more successful, of course. If anything, it allows them to fail in even more convoluted and spectacular ways than one might expect. It's probably just as well he doesn't think he can pull off a reset button. If he tried and failed, who knows what the consequences would be. "What then?" she asks.

"I made a new hero and I've been training him to take Metro Mahn's place," he puffs up his chest in pride and grins at her, despite her still holding the de-gun aimed at his big blue head.

"How do you make a hero?" she asks, confused.

"You inspired my, Miss Ritchi," he explains, generously giving her credit for her part, "Remember when you were talking about heroes being made, not born? Well, you were right. Heroes can be made. All I had to do was extract Metro Mahn's DNA from a piece of his dandruff, isolate the source of his power, and invent a way to transfer it into a normal human. And I did it. I've been training him in the use of his powers and he's almost ready."

She narrows her eyes suspiciously at him, "Who did you give these powers to?"

"Well, that was a bit unplanned," he looks embarrassed, "I did intend to find someone brave and selfless to award the powers too. But… I did tell you to give me the gun back, you remember. If you hadn't fought me over it, it wouldn't have gone off. Still, I made the best of it."

"The bee up Hal's nose," she guesses, stunned.

He nods, "Like you said, anyone can be a hero. Not exactly the ideal candidate, I must admit. I would have preferred someone more intelligent, but he's getting the hang of it. What he lacks in witty banter, though, he makes up for in enthusiasm. He's thrilled with the idea of being a superhero."

Roxanne sits down in shock, lowering the de-gun to her lap. "What have you done? Hal is the worst possible choice." She says quietly. "He's a creep. He spends his free time reading comic books, playing video games, and looking at porn. I've put up with his blatant sexual harassment only because he's the best cameraman the station has. The _only_ thing that's kept him from being outright dangerous is that he was too afraid of Metro Man to ever think of doing anything like that. And you gave that pervert Metro Man's powers? You're not creating a hero, Megamind. You're creating a villain! Oh, god. This is bad. You have to fix this!"

Her reaction has him worried. Could he have made a mistake in allowing Hal Stewart to retain his powers? "Relax, Miss Ritchi," he assures her with more confidence than he feels, "I thought of that possibility. I have a failsafe. He has the same powers as Metro Man. He'll have the same weaknesses. If he turns evil, I'll trap him in copper and use the defuse gun to remove his power. It's all in the plan."

"Yeah, and we both know how well your plans work," she answers numbly.

Taking advantage of her distraction, he jumps forward and traps her hands gripping the de-gun against the blanket. He's surprised that she doesn't fight him at all. She just lets him lift it from her grip and watches him holster it again. She hands him his watch, which he straps immediately onto his wrist. He activates his Bernard disguise and she flinches, a look of deep pain on her face at seeing her 'boyfriend' again.

"I have it under control, Miss Ritchi," he assures her, unsure of which of them he's trying to convince.

"Mmm-hmm," she replies in a cold voice between thin lips, "Every evil plan you've ever tried has blown up in your face. This time won't be any different."

He clenches his jaw and decides not to respond. Instead he rises to his feet and turns to leave.

"Megamind?" she calls after him.

"Yes, Miss Ritchi?"

"Don't let him kill you," she says, "I…wouldn't like that."

He smiles slightly, "Nor would I."

She crosses her arms across her body, suddenly cold as she watches him walk out of sight between the trees. She has an irrational urge to call him back to her again, but resists the impulse. She hopes she sees him again.

**I know you all like nice, long multi-chapters, but this one's just going to be two chapters. I don't feel like rehashing the events of the movie with my own changes due to the events in this scene. And the plot bunnies aren't demanding it just now. Besides I have a couple other Megamind stories that I'm in the middle of. I think everyone would appreciate it if I finished them off instead of leaving them hanging. **

**Review please!  
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	3. It's Over, Minion

**A tiny little plot bunny hopped over here and whispered in my ear. So, just a little bit more here…**

Megamind walks slowly across evil lair with a pensive expression on his blue face. Several brainbots eagerly surround him. He pats them distractedly, but doesn't seem interested in playing. The bots whine in disappointment, but eventually wander off to resume their original tasks or to find other sources of entertainment. Megamind remains where he is, lost in thought.

Minion clanks into the cavernous room with a laundry basket balanced against the right hip of his robotic body. "Good afternoon, Sir!" the fish greets cheerfully, "How'd your _meeting_ with Miss Ritchi go?" Minion suspects there's more going on between his boss and the pretty reporter than the he'd admitted, but the spacefish isn't ready to confront his friend about it just yet. He's hoping that the problem will resolve itself without any intervention. Being a minion means walking a delicate line between obedience and doing what needs to be done to keep his boss safe. He knows there's no future between Sir and Miss Ritchi but suspects Sir might be deluding himself into thinking that there might be.

"It's over, Minion," he sighs.

"What's over, Sir?" Minion asks warily. He wonders which of their evil schemes has collapsed this time.

"She figured it out."

"Figured out what, sir?" he asks patiently, sure that he'll eventually get it out of him. After all, he and Sir have no secrets from each other.

"She's remarkably smart for a human, you know? Not like the other mindless sheep. I should never have underestimated her." He observes, failing to answer his henchfish's question.

"Yes, Sir. So, she figured out our plan with Titan?" he guesses.

"No, no, you foolish fish," he scoffs, "She found out I wasn't really Bernard." Minion sighs in relief. At least she didn't know about Titan. "I _told_ her about Titan," Sir continues.

"Sir!" he gasps, "Why would you do that? He's not even ready yet."

"I didn't have much choice," he smirks. "She had me at de-gunpoint." In hindsight, Megamind thinks she looked awfully good holding his weapon. If only she'd been wearing black.

"What?" Minion's gaze sweeps down to Megamind's right hip, confirming that the de-gun is in its holster, "How'd she get your gun?"

"I uh… fell asleep," he mumbles quietly without meeting the fish's eye.

"What's that?" Minion asks, not sure he understands what his boss has just said.

"I fell asleep!" he admits.

"You _fell asleep_… _with_ Miss Ritchi…?" he clarifies, hardly believing his ears.

"Oh, don't act so scandalized, Minion," he says dismissively as he walks casually across the room to squint at his idea cloud. "Nothing like _that_ happened. We were having an innocent peek-neek on a blanket in the park and after we were done we lay down under the trees and talked." He turns back to his friend, hands on his hips, "You know how tired I get after a large meal," he huffs. "I shouldn't have eaten so much. It made me drowsy and I fell asleep. That's all." He turns back to his hanging notes again, hoping his friend will accept his explanation and drop the subject.

"Okay, sir. You fell asleep. Did your watch malfunction? How'd she figure out your secret?"

Megamind smiles crookedly, his eyes drifting half-closed, "She wanted to cuddle up with me while I was sleeping and she put her head on my chest." His smile fades a little, "She heard my heartbeat and figured it out from there. I woke up with her sitting at my feet with my own gun aimed at me."

Minion narrows his eyes at Megamind. Clearly the fish had waited too long to have his little chat with his boss. Thankfully, it sounds like this particular misadventure failed without anyone getting seriously hurt. "So, is our plan with Titan still on?"

"Oh, I'm not sure," Megamind says, "Roxanne told me a few things about Hal Stewart that I wasn't aware of. I assumed that, as her cameraman, he was someone she found reasonably trustworthy and good. It turns out that assessment may have been inaccurate." He straigntens his spine, seeming to have come to a decision, and stabs a finger dramatically into the air, "Minion, get the car and bring the defuser gun, just in case. I think it's time for Spacedad to have a little chat with Hal Stewart."


	4. Space Dad

**Warning: References to masturbation because Hal is a creep. I'm upping the rating accordingly. **

**There is remarkably little fanfiction with Spacedad in it. I hope this helps to remedy that oversight. **

Hal Stewart levitates in his apartment, staring out the hole in his wall at the city around him. He doesn't actually _need _to look through the hole, since he has x-ray vision, but he's still not entirely used to his superpowers. Not that he isn't trying to _get_ used to them. For instance, right at this moment, in addition to floating, he's practicing the use of his x-ray vision by watching a couple getting it on in the next building over. It's actually more difficult than it sounds. If he's not careful with his focus, he'll look right through them to the other side of the building. He wonders idly if it's more work than it's worth, but figures it's better than paying for porn.

He still doesn't entirely understand why Spacedad gave him these powers. Or awakened them. Or whatever he did. He suspects that Spacedad made a mistake and these powers were meant for someone else. Not that he's going to complain, of course.

Becoming a super is the best thing that ever happened to him. Once he gets the hang of things, he'll be able to have whatever he wants. Women, money, fame… women. One particular woman especially: Roxanne Ritchi, the girl of his dreams. He knows she'll want him nowthat he's so heroically awesome. After all, she goes for superheroes. She was with Metro Man for years. And she's probably still all broken up about his death. He'll let her cry on his shoulder if she wants. And if tears lead to kissing and kissing leads to comfort sex… well, who is he to argue? It's part of the natural order of things. The hero gets the girl, and he's going to be the hero.

He floats over to his bed and relaxes on it with his ankles crossed and his fingers laced behind his head. He grins up at the poster he has taped up to his wall. It's of Roxy, only he's added a little speech bubble next to her so it looks like she's telling him goodnight. He grins and looks through the poster and across town to an apartment where the actual Roxy is pulling down a bunch of cards hanging from her ceiling and angrily tossing them in the trash. Occasionally he hears, with his superhearing, her mutter something darkly about Megamind and about a guy named Bernard. Hal wonders who Bernard is, but her cursing doesn't provide enough detail for him to guess. Then she settles down with a bottle of wine and doesn't even bother with a glass. Hal thinks she looks like she could use some comfort and he considers his current level of laziness. Would it be worth it to fly over there now?

Before he decides, she picks up a paperback book, her bottle of wine, and walks into her bathroom. He watches in slack-jawed wonder as she turns on the tap for her bathtub and drops in a couple of girly bath beads. Oh God, has his laziness paid off! She quickly strips off her clothes and tosses them in her hamper. He's a little disappointed she didn't give him a good striptease. But then, she has no idea she's putting on a show, so she can be forgiven. As it is, he already has a boner of epic proportions and he begins to stroke himself as he watches. She steps into the steaming bath and lowers herself down, sighing sensually. She picks up a poof, adds some bodywash, and applies the foam to her body; beginning with her toes and working slowly all the way up. _Oh, yeah, Roxy,_ he thinks_, get that soap all over._ He blows his load by the time she starts on her hair. This is _so_ much better than staring at that poster or running video clips from the news. He wishes he had an x-ray camera so that he could record this little scene for later.

He watches as she finishes cleaning herself and relaxes in the warm water. She picks up her book and doesn't do anything but read for what seems like forever. He's disappointed. Is that _it?_ Isn't she going to touch herself or do something interesting with that handheld showerhead on the wall? Couldn't she at least give herself a breast self-exam or something? Chicks are supposed to do that, right? For health reasons? He begins to get bored watching her, so it's just as well that Spacedad chooses that moment to step into his apartment unannounced.

"Gah! Spacedad!" in a blur of superspeed he wipes himself down and covers himself before the glowing man can get a good look at what he was doing. "What are you doing here?! I mean, not that I'm not glad to see you, of course. But, I just… _Couldn't you knock?_ I thought we were done with training for today. "

"Yes, my _th_on. Your day'_th_ training i_th_ complete," the man lisps, "But now I would like to talk to you about what it mean_th_ to be a _true_ hero. Come walk with me." Spacedad beckons Hal to follow and leads him out into the street. Space step-mom is waiting for them on the sidewalk.

"Hi, space step-mom," Hal greets her. There's always something vaguely odd about Space step-mom, but Hal can never quite put his finger on just what it is. Maybe it's her hair. Something tells him she isn't a natural blonde.

"Well, hello dear. Have you had a good day?"

"Yes, space step-mom."

"Have you been practicing your powers like your space father told you?"

"Yes, Space step-mom."

"Such a good boy."

The red-head blushes bright red at the attention as the three walk to the nearby ice cream shop. The cashier looks at them funny as Spacedad buys a cone for himself and Hal.

"Doesn't Space step-mom get one too?" Hal asks when the white-haired man hands him his cone.

"Oh, no dear," Space step-mom answers, "I'm trying to watch my figure." She pats her metal belly, making a clanking sound as she does. Hal again thinks there's something odd about her, but shakes off the thought.

"She'_th_ fine," Spaceman dismisses Hal's concern off-handedly. They walk outside and sit at one of the picnic tables outside the shop. They start licking their ice cream before it melts. After a minute or two, Spacedad says, "Now, my _th_on. Tell me. Have you thought of what you're going to do once your training'_th_ complete?"

"Oh, yeah. It's gonna be awesome, Spacedad! Everyone's going to cheer me and tell me how great I am."

"Ye_th_, like Metro Man," Spacedad agrees amiably.

Hal points his index finger to his nose, "Exactly! I'll probably have to do interviews and sign autographs. Oh! I bet someone will come out with an action figure of me. I gotta get one of those. Maybe they'll put me in a video game! It better be better than that lame one Metro Man was in. That one was constantly pausing the action to say, 'Stay in school,' or 'Drink responsibly,' or something dumb like that. And it would never let you attack any of the bystanders or anything."

That response worries Spacedad somewhat, but he brushes it aside. Hal's talking about a video game, not real life.

"And then I bet they'll start shoveling money at me for endorsements and appearances and stuff. And the women will throw themselves at me. It'll be awesome!" He sits back and sighs, licking his ice cream down to the cone and starting to nibble the edge of the sugar cone.

"Yes, my _th_on. It'_th_ true that the hero gets all the praise. But there'_th_ more to being the hero than ju_th_t the adoring crowd_th_."

"Oh, yeah. I know, Spacedad. I also get to kick ass when I come across a bad guy. Megamind and the Doom Syndicate won't know what hit 'em. I'll burry 'em and then the city won't have to deal with them anymore."

"You're going to _kill_ the villain_th_?" Spacedad's stomach sinks as he recalls the way Hal had joyfully melted the blue plastic head of the _Megamind_ mannequin they'd been using for training.

"Yeah. I mean, I never understood why Metro Man never did that. He just let Megamind wander around the city, snatching Roxie whenever he felt like it. If the villains were all gone, this city would be great!"

"My _th_on, my _th_on…" Spacedad shakes his head slowly, trying to figure out how to redirect his misguided protégé. "Heroe_th_ don't kill."

"Well, no. I mean, I know that." Hal backpedaled. "They don't kill anyone but the bad guys."

"No!" Space Step-dad objects, "They don't even kill the bad guy_th_."

"Sometimes they do," Hal insists.

"Not unle_th_ they have ab_th_olutely no other choi_th_e. The true hero care_th_ for the live_th_ of everyone, even the criminal_th_."

"And that's so _wrong_! I mean, Megamind and the Doom Syndicate have _killed_ people. If Metro Man had just finished them when he had the chance, then those people would be alive and the city would be safe."

"And then he'd be a villain! Even heroe_th_ aren't above the law."

"Yeah, I'd like to see them keep _me_ in prison."

"No one'_th_ invulnerable, my _th_on. You do remember what happened to Metro Man, don't you?"

"Yeah… Okay. You're right. No killing unless I have a really good reason." Hal finishes his cone and licks the dripped ice cream from his fingers. "Of course, if I see a good reason, I'll take it." He stares off down the street for a minute, engaging his x-ray vision to watch the freshly bathed Roxanne Ritchi, wrapped in a terrycloth bathrobe, settle in front of her television set with a pint of chocolate ice cream. Again, he thinks she needs some comforting. He resolves to pay her a visit after Spacedad is done with him. "I never understood why Metro Man didn't keep a better eye on Roxy. When she's _my_ girlfriend, I'll be watching her like a—"

"Wait, what?" Spacedad sputters, his lisp vanishing mysteriously, "You think Roxanne _Ritchi_ will be your girlfriend?"

"Well, yeah," he eyes the older man warily, "I mean, now that I'm a super. Why wouldn't she?"

Spacedad narrows his eyes. Why wouldn't she, indeed? "My _th_on," he lisps, "what make you think Mi_th_ Ritchi would be intere_th_ted in you?"

"Well, duh. I'm the hero. Who else would she go for?"

"It take_th_ more than _th_uperpower_th_ to win a girl'_th_ affection_th_."

"Oh, I know. I'll probably have to rescue her a few times before we get all romantic. But how could she resist this?" He gestures to his now godlike physique. "She'll probably take one look and be all, like, 'Hal, my sexy _hero_!'" He clasps his hands in front of his chest as he imitates her in falsetto. "I bet she'll invite me back to her place pretty quick after that."

Spacedad's mouth hangs open for a long moment. When he recovers, he decides to take a different approach, "Ha_th_ Mi_th_ Ritchi ever accepted your advan_th_e_th_ before?"

"She usually takes the coffee I bring to her."

Space dad stares at him pointedly. "_Th_o, that would be a no."

"Well, it's not like she was free to play the field, what with dating Metro Man and all."

"She wa_th_n't dating Metro Man," Spacedad contradicts.

"Yeah, she was. Everybody knows that."

"Everyone _thought_ they knew that, my _th_on. But the truth i_th_ _th_ometime_th_ hidden. She and Metro Man were never a couple."

"How do you know?"

"I have my way_th_," he answers mysteriously.

"But that doesn't make sense. Why wouldn't she go for Metro Man. He was perfect," he scrunches his face in concentration. He widens his eyes as a thought occurs to him, "Oh, man, I should have seen it before. She's a lesbian, isn't she?"

"What?!"

"No, that's totally cool. I mean, Roxy and another girl. Oh, that would be so hot! I'm so glad I have x-ray vision. This is going to be so much better than watching her in the bath."

"You were watching her bathe?"

"You told me to practice my powers."

"Not by watching people in their bathrooms! Heroes do not _spy_ on people!"

"Oh, relax, Spacedad. I didn't do anything to her. I was just looking. I bet Metro Man did plenty of looking himself."

"Metro Man lived by a heroic code of honor. He didn't spy on people without probable cause."

"_Code?_" he sneers, "What code?"

Space Dad pauses and nods at Space Step-Mom. He sighs and runs his fingers over his huge mass of white hair before answering. "The _hero'th _code that say_th_ that with great power come_th_ great re_th_pon_th_ibility. You can't give in to the temptation to u_th_e your power for your own _th_elfi_th_ gain! Why do you think you were given the_th_e power_th_, my _th_on? _Th_o you could lounge around looking at naked women?"

Space Step-Mom walks away to a nearby bush and steps behind it briefly a strange whining is heard, but Hal doesn't think much of it. Space Step-Mom often makes odd noises. She seems to always be clanking and whirring as she moves.

"Yeah, about that," Hal begins, "Why was I given these powers? I mean, not that I don't appreciate them, but why didn't they go to, like, a cop or a firefighter or something?"

"De_th_iny work_th_ in my_tht_eriou_th_ way_th_, my _th_on. The better question i_th_ what are you going to do now that you have the_th_e power_th_? Will you be a _true_ hero and make your _th_pace _th_tep-mom proud?"

Hal turns to look at his space step-mom, who has returned from the bush with her hands held behind her back. She grins toothily at him, "Listen to your space father, dear. I know you won't let us down."

Hal sighs, "Yeah. Sorry Space Step-Mom. You're right."

"So, you won't use your powers to spy on girls anymore?" she asks him gently.

"No, Space Step-Mom," he lies.

"You're such a good boy."

"Thanks Space Step-Mom."

"Now, my _th_on, I have a _th_urpri_th_e for you." Space Dad announces.

"You do? What is it?" Hal asks eagerly.

"Clo_th_e your eye_th_ and you'll find out. And no fair x-raying through your eyelid_th_," he warns.

"Okay, okay. I won't." Hal closes his eyes and covers them with his hands for good measure. Excited for the surprise, he doesn't cheat. He hears another high-pitched whine before he feels something cold jam up his nostril. Before he can think to use his superspeed, his whole body feels like it's suddenly on fire. He tries to free himself from whatever has him by the nose, but finds himself slowly sinking to his knees instead. Finally, sprawled on the grass, he moans and blinks up at Space Dad and Space Step-Mom. There's a strange gun balanced on Space Dad's shoulder.

"Surprise!" Space Dad cackles before both he and Space Step-Mom collapse into each other's arms laughing.

"Huh?" Hal groans weakly, but doesn't receive an answer. Instead, Space Dad and Space Step-Mom just laugh even harder as they turn and walk away, ignoring the Earthling who no longer plays any role in their evil plans.


End file.
